Usually when I write a Monday post, it’s about the marvelous things of the weekend, but today is a little different. It’s still marvelous in its own right, but just a different flavor.
Today on the blog I wanted to get a bit more real with you guys. Of course what I share here is real, but I mean really real. Down to some nitty gritty soul shaking stuff. So here goes.
This past week, I got really sick. I thought it was just a cold, but after pushing through cardio on Tuesday, I awoke on Wednesday more sick than I had been all week, despite resting all weekend. I ended up being knocked out for a second round Wednesday-Saturday. I’m pretty sure it was the flu as most of my symptoms are now gone, but I still feel weak and drained of energy. This week of sickness came shortly after the news that my coach would be unable to continue coaching me after the month of January, which I shared in a recent post. This also all came just shortly after I started my 30 day BODYpeace journey with Heather Waxman and Kasey Arena, who many of you may know and love.
I don’t think it was any coincidence that things in my life started shaking themselves into a tizzy just after I started BODYpeace. I truly believe it was me becoming aware of things that needed the change and the Universe bringing those things into alignment so I could move forward.
What does all this mean?
As I briefly shared in my last post, I think I’m being called to something that might not be what I planned. As you all know, I had planned to work with my coach and enter a fitness competition later this Spring. I wanted to do this because a) I wanted to conquer a fitness goal that I had never achieved before and get in great shape, and b) I wanted to use this last year of being in school before I start working at a law firm to do something big – something I might not be able to dump as much time and energy into in the future.
But doing a fitness competition didn’t REALLY resonate with me. It wasn’t some dream I had always had or something that I felt super passionate about. It was more something I wanted to do to prove to myself that I could and to show others how you can get in great shape on a high carbohydrate vegan diet. Working through BODYpeace brought me to a new realization.
I want to choose my goals based on what I know is right for me and what I’m being called to, not based on what I have to prove to myself or others.
I felt like I had to prove something to myself because I had “failed” in the past. I never really failed or fell off the wagon so to speak, but I never really achieved the fitness goals I aspired to. I spoke about this in my last post, but because I had never forgiven myself for “failing” at past attempts, I felt that I was not deserving of freedom now. I felt like I needed a coach, a plan, a structure to follow, accountability, etc. in order to succeed.
Now, don’t get me wrong. Those were NOT the only reasons I needed a coach. I also learned a TON about nutrition and workouts that has changed the way I do things every day, BUT after having that for a few months, it was time to forgive myself. It was time to stop viewing previous attempts as “mistakes” and realize that those were part of my journey to true HEALTH, which is where I am today. It was time to realize that I was now at a completely new place, not only with my nutrition and workouts, but INSIDE. My perspective had shifted.
I am no longer the girl I was three years, two years, even one year ago. I am now someone who never has the urge to binge eat, who does not feel guilty about indulging, who does not overexercise or restrict, who feels at home in her body, who is comfortable in her skin, and who is CONFIDENT SHE WILL SUCCEED.
I couldn’t have said most of that a year ago.
What does this mean for me now?
I’ll be writing my own workout plan and practicing some form of flexible dieting. I’ll be tracking my macros each day on Cronometer, still adhering to a high carbohydrate low fat vegan diet, which I am confident is the right thing for me now and that truly feeds my body, mind, spirit, and soul. I’ll eat intuitively – if I feel like oatmeal, I’ll have oatmeal. Some days, I may just want fruit all day. Somedays I may want nothing but starches. I may include protein powder some days, other days not.
I am not doing this because I felt restricted on my meal plan. I truly didn’t! I really loved it. I am doing this because I am choosing to step forward in faith and confidence that I can trust my body to tell me what it needs. I am doing this because I believe I am being called to FREEDOM right now – to choose freedom over structure, to choose constantly staying in tune with my body and spirit rather than just doing what the paper says.
So, no rules, right?
Wrong. There are still “rules,” but they don’t feel like rules at all to me. I choose to eat a high carbohydrate low fat vegan diet because it feeds my body and my soul. Intuitively, it feels right to me. I don’t desire to eat meat or dairy, and I know that when I eat a lot of fat or processed food, I function at a much lower frequency. The diet I eat feels natural to me, like what I was meant to consume, so when I’m craving something that doesn’t fit that diet, it’s often because something deeper is wrong.
If I’m craving 5 chocolate chip cookies or a bag of chips, it’s usually because I’m anxious about something that I need to address with journaling, meditation, or a simple recentering. As soon as I address the anxiety and embrace peace, I find that my body and my spirit crave food I know is good for me.
The once per week cheat meal will remain in place. I have found that this functions as an awesome time for me to feed my creativity and experimentation in the kitchen, share a delicious meal with a friend, and enjoy the food for its ability to offer PLEASURE. It reminds me that food isn’t JUST for fuel. It’s also for pleasure and communion with others.
If not a fitness competition, what’s the goal?
The goal now is to continue feeding my body a diet that is healthy, whole foods based, vegan, and fulfilling. I’ve already been eating intuitively for a week and am naturally falling right into the calorie range I was in with my coach. I will continue crushing difficult workouts at the gym and getting in great shape, but very likely will not do a show, at least not this year.
I plan to treat my body like a temple for the coming months, which is what I naturally do when I’m in tune with my what my body wants and needs and am not using food to mask emotional struggles. I plan to keep working my ass off, harder than I ever for the next few months. Depending where I am in May, I will very likely do a photoshoot or something to celebrate the success I know I will achieve.
I feel like my sickness this week was a forced reset into my new journey. I haven’t been to the gym in 5 days, but today will be a fresh start of sorts. It was also awesome to see how easy it was to fuel my body intuitively and healthfully while I was sick. I felt strong and lean and had absolutely no guilt missing the gym.
THAT IS TRUE FREEDOM.
Let me assure you, BODYpeace is not just for people with eating disorders. It is for people who want to grow and move forward empowered. It is for anyone who has ever used food to deal with stress or anxiety. I haven’t struggled with binge eating or restrictive behavior in well over a year, maybe 2 years, but I still get something out of each daily exercise in this book. I CANNOT RECOMMEND IT HIGHLY ENOUGH.
Well kids, that’s a wrap. If you managed to make it through this whole post, thank you for reading and leave me a comment below:
- Where are you in your journey?
- Have you thought about reading BODYpeace?
- Do you include meditation as part of your daily practice?
- Do you practice intuitive eating or stick to a plan?
There are no right or wrong answers to these questions – each person is at a different place. I’m just curious to see what you guys have to say!
Cheers to my new found freedom,
(ps) Don’t forget to check out some other MIMM posts here!